1. 실제 학생이 쓴 라이팅 점수와 첨삭



위의 문제에 대한 자신의 의견을 10분 동안 글쓰기



♣ 첫번째 실제 학생이 쓴 글

In my opinion, education is the key to make people to encourage to live in rural areas because not only the people who have children, but also just normal adults want to get great education to make their future better such as getting good jobs with high salary. Even I am preparing master’s degree to get promotion in the future. Therefore, if the government want to attract more people to line in villages, they should build schools or education facilities, or provide educational programs.
Making train station and train service could be another strategy because in my opinion, the most important reason that people want to live in urban is convenient to get to their jobs or school, if the government provides better transportation, it would also encourage people to live in rural areas or villages.


공식적인 점수 (5점 만점 중 4점)


(문법 수정과 논리적으로 수정한 글)
In my opinion, education is the key to encouraging people to live in rural areas. This applies not only to those who have children but also to adults who seek to improve their future prospects, such as securing better jobs with higher salaries. For instance, I am currently pursuing a master’s degree to enhance my chances of promotion in the future. Therefore, if the government aims to attract more residents to rural areas, it should invest in building schools or educational facilities and provide educational programs.

Moreover, establishing train stations and improving train services could be another effective strategy. In my view, one of the primary reasons why people prefer urban living is the convenience of commuting to work or school. By enhancing transportation infrastructure, the government can make rural living more appealing and accessible to people.



♣ 두번째 실제 학생이 쓴 글

There are many strategies or approaches that governments can use to attract more people to live in rural areas. Among them, I would like to talk about jobs with benefits and transportations as two best strategies for this.
First, the government can make policies for companies that would like to offer more jobs and better benefits to people in rural areas. One of the most important factors to choose the place to live for people depends on how much money people can make from work with good benefits. For example, I personally prefer living in the city because I can have more chances to have interviews and work with good benefits such as high salary and health insurance.
Second, making good transportation systems also will be effective. One of the drawbacks of living in rural areas is that people have to spend longer time taking public transportation to go out and commute.
Therefore, I believe that offering more jobs with benefits and transportation systems will attract more people to rural areas.


공식적인 점수 (5점 만점 중 5점)


(문법 수정과 논리적으로 수정한 글)

There are numerous strategies that governments can employ to attract more people to live in rural areas. Among these, I would like to discuss two of the most effective: job opportunities with benefits and improved transportation infrastructure.
Firstly, governments can implement policies that incentivize companies to offer jobs with attractive benefits in rural areas. The availability of well-paying jobs with benefits is a significant factor influencing people’s decisions about where to live. For instance, individuals, like myself, often choose urban areas because of the perceived abundance of job opportunities and the benefits they offer, such as competitive salaries and health insurance.
Secondly, investing in and improving transportation systems can greatly enhance the appeal of rural living. One of the main challenges of residing in rural areas is the lack of efficient transportation options, which results in longer commute times and limited access to amenities. By developing better transportation infrastructure, governments can alleviate these concerns and make rural living more convenient and accessible.
In conclusion, I believe that offering attractive job opportunities with benefits and enhancing transportation systems are essential strategies for attracting more people to rural areas. By addressing these key factors, governments can encourage individuals to choose rural living, thereby fostering balanced development and prosperity across regions.